Domestic violence: we need some circuit breakers

A look at the progress; and what about circuit breakers?

It is very heartening to see domestic violence being taken seriously at last. I thank Rosie Batty, Australian of the Year, for this; and also Sarah Ferguson and the ABC team who produced ‘Hitting Home’ for television. Thank you Rosie; thank you Sarah and all on the ABC team. And thank you to all the other dedicated people working in this cause.

We need domestic violence on the ‘front burner’ of our consciousness. If this many deaths came about from terrorism, we’d declare a national emergency! 

And as long as domestic violence is swept under the rug, we are all prevented from seeing it as a whole-of-society problem. It is; because and it embroils the women victims, their children and the male perpetrators – and nearly all perpetrators are men.

For the women victims, life becomes a nightmare from which all too many never escape. Even those who do escape to make a new life will find that recovery takes a very long time.

Children are also the victims. The home is humanity’s biggest training ground. How tragic if the lessons learned there are fear, insecurity and that violence is a normal response to any of life’s problems. It is not; it should never be. Children from violent families can suffer trauma that lasts a lifetime. And children from violent families are more likely to become the perpetrators of tomorrow. What a poisoned chalice.  

However I ask you to consider, too, that male perpetrators are also victims of a kind. They are men who are locked out of rich and good relationships with women. They are locked out of emotional growth, and they are destroying their own families.

Most of the men I saw on ‘Hitting Home’ appeared to be in denial, refusing to see that what they had done was wrong – as if the break-up of their homes was due to some mysterious whim of their battered partners. Enough of this nonsense: violence is wrong.

So what circuit breakers can we put in place?

Surely one is teaching respect within families. This is where dads can step up and show by example that violence is never right. And respect needs to be on two sides: girls need to respect their fathers and brothers just as much as boys need to respect women and girls.

Then there is recognition: how can a young woman recognise the danger signs from a man? This needs to take place very early, long before a relationship develops and settles into a downward spiral. Such knowledge should be part of public education, perhaps in schools or through selected social media.  

What to watch out for are signs of controlling behaviour. They can be hard to spot. A throw-away remark such as, ‘Why can’t you be like that?’; a sneering, ‘So you reckon you can do that?’, or ‘What would you know?’ may seem innocent enough. But these are designed to undermine the hearer. Taken over time, they can mount into a negative campaign that will sap the confidence of the intended victim and leave her vulnerable to further abuse.

So women, if you meet a man (however charming) who makes controlling remarks, move away very fast. These seemingly incidental signs are the tip of the iceberg, If there are one or two of them, know that there will be more to come; nothing will get better. Indeed things could become very much worse.

My novel ‘Finding Felicity’, due out in 2016, is about a family dealing with domestic violence.